An Ass Out of U and Me
Your partner is too busy to hang out after work.
I’m not special enough to make time for.
The bartender doesn’t see you’re ready to order.
I must be invisible, I don’t belong here.
Your friend takes a phone call while you’re together.
They must not be enjoying my company.
These are all scenarios in which we sometimes jump immediately to a negative explanation. I’m guilty of it myself. The easiest and fastest explanation is negative. Especially when you’re preprogrammed to jump to such a conclusion from growing up in a negativity-first household.
Let’s dissect a scenario we can all relate to:
You get a text and you simply must respond because you ‘owe’ that person your time and energy. If you don’t message them back as soon as you can, that means you don’t like them, right? It means you’ll hurt their feelings, you don’t care about them, they’re not important to you, etc.
No.
So why apply the opposite assumption to others?
In a previous blog I mentioned how I allowed others’ responses or attention be the mirror of value they held of me. Yet, it doesn’t mirror the value I hold of others, so the opposite must be true of this. And you might be thinking: Well that’s me and I know me—you can’t just assume that applies on the other end. Or my favorite, “It’s different.”
Why is it different? Really think with me here.
Why?
I’m going to say some things you might not like, and I’m going to hold your hand when I say them:
The assumption that those around you inevitably aren’t good intentioned is hurting you.
The assumption that everyone around you is ill-natured is hurting you.
The assumption that every action of those around you is personal is hurting you.
They are weighing you down and keeping you frozen in this bubble of victimized existence.
They are holding you back from your best self and best life.
If you assume every dog you see on the street is mean, you’ll never get to pet any dogs (…I can say this, I got bit on the crotch by a doberman).
If you assume every glance from a stranger is judgement, you’ll never make new friends.
If you assume every text gone unanswered for a day is hatred, you’ll lose the self-value you deserve to have.
Baseless assumptions of negative intent only hurt you in the long-run.
They keep you from experiencing the profound happiness you deserve to feel.
If you allow every single action done by others to mirror how valued you are to the entire universe, you’re allowing entities outside of yourself to control your confidence. You are handing power over to an invisible and nonexistent force, forfeiting all the joys of being human and essentially throwing in the towel to peace.
I recently had a conversation with my cousin, one in which I couldn’t help but get glaringly real for a second.
He had been coming to me with stories and clips of his day for months, expressing each inconvenience as a personal attack at his livelihood. This, in turn, led him to search for the negative aspect in every interaction. Eventually this turned into an immediate and predisposed assumption of something negative— anything negative— coming his way.
The problem is this mindset spreads.
Whether it’s sadness, anger, disappointment.
It’s like a thick, invasive ivy that starts at the root and overtakes the tree, suffocating its oxygen supply. And at first it’s small things.
Assuming the waiter hates you.
And then it engulfs your mind and leaks into every interaction, every situation.
Assuming none of your friends would care if you disappeared, that your coworkers secretly want you gone, that bad things will happen to you forever.
What’s helped me is reminding myself that just like me, everyone else is simply absorbed in their own world.
Not responding? They got busy— just like me. Caught someone staring at me? I do that too! Whoops! Got my order wrong? That doesn’t classify my entire day ruined…easy fix! They still have feelings for their ex? We’re human— it happens and that doesn’t incinerate my own value as a person.
Essentially: It’s not personal.
I am what I call an anxious optimist. I’m hopeful…but tend to worry nonetheless. It’s in my DNA. I’d like to minimize that, of course, but…in the DNA for now. Does that make me less of an optimist? Maybe. What I’m saying is if anyone is going to freak out…it’s me. So it is possible to rework your brain to be less inclined to assume the worst in every situation!
I’ve put together a few things that I do when I notice I’m making an assumption. Feel free to take what resonates and leave what doesn’t.
I immediately identify it as an assumption. Taking myself out of the emotion and calling it out as what it is helps me take a step back and refresh. “That was an assumption, I don’t know that for a fact.”
If there’s a person involved, I tell myself it’s not fair for me to be making the assumption that they hate me, that they are rude, etc. because that’s blindly assuming they are a mean person! And I don’t know them enough/the day they could be having to label them as a mean or spiteful person. That’s a heavy label! I’m sure there are pleeennty of days where someone assumed I was the wicked witch of the west (and I’m not!).
I go over what I know and just allow that to be that. “I know they got a flat tire this morning and their workload at work has been overwhelming recently. I know when I’m stressed and overwhelmed I’m not my usual self. This more likely than not doesn’t have anything to do with me.” And you know what? You can always ask! We’re adults! At the end of the day, nothing makes me feel better than a simple conversation.
So yeah! No more assumptions! Experience first, evaluate second. Go into each day assuming it’s going to be a good one. Interact with people under the assumption they are kind. Things are not happening to you, but rather alongside you.
You’ll find your shoulders a little bit lighter in no time! And before you know it, you’ll feel closer to your friends than ever, more whimsical than ever, and actually excited to start your day.
And just like all things I write about…I’ll continue to work on it too.
Mwah mwah mwah!
You’re so loved.
Xoxo,
Alli
