Relationships and Childhood Trauma

I’m going to attempt to avoid this coming off as an autobiography, but hey…I’m human and I ramble just as much in writing as I do verbally.

In September of 2022 I met who I believe was (and will continue to say is) the funniest man, let alone person, I have ever met.

I instantly knew that this guy was every good quality in a human being wrapped up delicately in smooth freckled skin. Gentle, kind, charismatic, sensitive, thoughtful, empathetic, hilarious, loving. The whole shebang.

I’m not sure if anyone else can relate, but when I really like someone… I know quick. And it was safe to say I knew quick…aka by the end of the first time we met.

But of course I am terrified of scaring someone away with quick emotions (probably because of my own uncertainty with open expression) so I kept it in as much as I could. We spoke frequently, enjoyed each other’s company, cried together, laughed together.

Then he let me know of some personal stuff that he wanted time to work through. “He’s even mature and thoughtful in cutting me off,” I thought to myself. But he told me he’d reach back out. That was that; I joked to my friends that my husband ran away but he’d be back. He’d be back.

Months pass. I wait. I don’t mind waiting.

Text Message. “Hi Alli” (I’m paraphrasing).

Here we go.

I fell quick, of course. I had already liked him- it was just a matter of time.

I had never felt so at ease and comfortable with someone so quickly, let alone at all. It was as though I was more myself with him than by myself (which, I have a piece on being alone that is in the works, so you’ll come to know that this is a statement for me). But again- kept the intensity inside. Don’t want to scare him off. Don’t know how to navigate those feelings.

But the months grew and grew and grew and we both morphed into our own unit.

However… this is where the storm clouds roll in, ladies.

When you grow up without love being presented to you and a constant stream of negativity and chaos, it makes it hard to be gentle and to receive gentleness. To break down walls. To express emotion. Those things were simply absent or possibly even punished in childhood.

You run and run and it’s a constant obstacle of being unsure and scared- the equivalent of dodging raindrops without noticing that you are a flower in desperate, desperate need of being watered. All because it’s a new world much more delicate and soft than the one you’re used to. Think about it, when a dog sleeps on a bed of nails its whole life surely it’s hesitant of the bed of roses it stumbles upon?

So when you like someone, you don’t know how to express that. It’s like those beautiful emotions of love are buried deep in a cavern that never quite sees the light of day despite your best efforts to dig. You sometimes find yourself not allowing yourself to admit just how much you love someone because it’s such a different feeling and because truly acknowledging it makes it real and therefore confusing and intimidating.

And that’s not even mentioning the effect that having even a single bad relationship can have on your ability to fully embrace and be open to a new love.

Now let’s get real and take a peek into what my therapist and I talk about (I won’t charge you, don’t worry).

It’s a core requirement in adolescence to receive love in all forms- physical, verbal, emotional, mental.

What happens when you don’t receive that?

Well for starters, sitting in a Telehealth appointment sweating from places you didn’t think you could sweat from. But otherwise, growing up completely unsure of how to navigate feelings of love.

Speaking from myself, receiving compliments makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable, despite knowing they are wonderful to receive. I feel like I’m being handed a 12-set of pots and pans while I’m standing on one foot. Deep inside it’s nice to feel appreciated and loved and seen, but the verbal confirmation of such is so strange that I don’t know where to store the information. Personally, compliments from just about anyone feel funny. Professors, friends, family members, partners, strangers, the list goes on.

It’s a similar experience to spoken words of love and kindness in a romantic relationship. “I miss you” feels foreign and although I also feel that emotion and can reciprocate, hearing it from a romantic partner makes me feel slight internal confusion. Deep within my head lives 11 year old Alli wondering who on Earth could say such a kind thing to her and HOW on Earth they could feel that way because she certainly isn’t deserving of it.

I know, I know, let’s not get too dark and sulky. But hey, I said I was bringing you into a therapy talk, didn’t I?

Because those words are all new and not coated in poison, it’s just different and hard to know what to do with them.

You may even find yourself chasing.

This is something I recently learned that I do.

Growing up I had to constantly seek out feelings of approval, of being good enough, of basic love. I got into the mentality from a very young age that love isn’t just given to you- it’s earned. Like a grade. A reward for doing x, y, z, or behaving a certain way.

Which of course is wild. Because if you take a step back you’ll realize you love your family and your friends not because they “earned” it, but because you simply do. Love is not transactional.

So when you’re pre-official with someone you chase to fulfill that inner part of you that feels the need to seek out love and to prove you deserve it. Then when you get it it’s a confusing feeling. Because suddenly you’re receiving that love rather than chasing merely after the inevitable blank canvas of nothing that the small, inner child of you grew accustomed to.

Remember how at the beginning of this tale I said I ‘didn’t mind waiting.’ Of COURSE I didn’t! It was Alli’s own unhealthy inner habits being tested, which she felt she had to pass in order to earn that love. Hindsight sure is a silly thing, huh?

Unfortunately, as we all know, being chased and given up on doesn’t feel good from the other perspective. I’m putting a pin in this one to work on with my therapist- don’t fret.

And then there’s the various love languages that come with a partner.

Your partner does something for you and your first instinct is to believe you’re a burden, rather than appreciating how lucky you are to have someone do that for you.

This is, in particular, something that I have a hard time with.

Because I can do kind things for my partner, of course. That’s my default. I love that unspoken way of communicating my love. But having something given to me or done for me? Surely this was inconvenient for you! I’m sorry for existing and making you do that (even though you wanted to out of the kindness of your heart)! Right? …… Right?

No.

Therapy, folks! She’s a blessing!

Recently I’ve been working on these things in therapy because I knew it wouldn’t be fair to be in a relationship and be incapable of accepting something as simple as being told I’m missed.

That brings into play the next layer in this cake or onion or whatever other layered object you prefer:

Dating someone who genuinely loves you and has no problem expressing it.

I know what you’re thinking- “wow, Alli, what a haaarrd issue to have… a partner that cares for you and loves you wholeheartedly”. And to that I would say *cared and loved… past tense (just kidding… coping, ya know?). But that’s not what I’m getting to.

To be loved without hesitation is to be standing with the warm sun on your face. It is to be embraced and engulfed in the softest velvety material. It’s a beautiful thing that everyone deserves to experience.

But when tender love isn’t in your toolbox, what do you do?

You clam up when you’re told you’re missed.

You don’t admit to yourself just how much you reciprocate those blossoming, colorful feelings.

You say “stop” when you’re complimented and don’t fully bask in how kind of a gesture it is to compliment from the heart.

You keep your walls up.

You convince yourself you’re a burden for being on the receiving end of any sort of act of love.

You don’t tell your partner just how much they mean to you, how much you love them, how much you miss them, and how appreciative you are that they are in your life of all others despite how often it runs through your head and how often it is just sitting in your mouth waiting to come out.

What ends up happening is your partner feels like their feelings for you vastly outweigh the ones you have for them. Which is devastating, of course. I mean who wouldn’t be hurt by that?

Growing up in this environment can also impact the conversations surrounding the relationship.

When your partner comes to you with thoughts, it’s as though you have incredibly vast feelings clashing within you like waves clashing between themselves.

Disappointing someone feels like the end of not only this world but every other possible one that exists alongside it. Guilt floods, which obviously is counterproductive to full, mature reception. Embarrassment coincides, along with a strange sense of failure. You are transported back to a time when mistakes were simply inexcusable. When one wrong move would cost you your happiness, peace, or maybe even safety.

Overall it just sucks.

Where I think all of us can benefit is by rewiring and unlearning the part of us that says mistakes are unsalvageable. Forgiving yourself opens the door to productive change and being not only a receptive partner but also a receptive friend, child, parent, etc. When you learn to forgive yourself, you begin to heal.

Something that’s been helping me with this is imagining my best friend made the same mistake. What would I say to her? “It’s okay, my love, everyone makes mistakes. We learn and we grow. All is still well and all will continue to be well.”

So why not say that same thing to yourself?

My biggest piece of advice is to look inward, possibly with a therapist if you so choose. Deconstructing trauma doesn’t take overnight, but it can start at any moment.

Be open, be gentle, and communicate. Not only with your partner, but with yourself.

Your childhood does not by any means disqualify you from feeling and expressing love, nor does it diminish the quality of love you deserve in and of itself. You can work through any and all barriers, I promise.

Quite honestly this is such a large topic, I could write ten more blogs about it and still not scratch the surface. But for now we’ll keep it brief.

Take this journey with me as I navigate learning from my own mistakes and invite you into my mind and progress.

Thank you for taking the time to sit down and chat with me.

You’re so loved.

Xoxo,

Alli