My Bedtime Routine
Living with OCD is a lot like having a bum ass roommate. They simply exist in your space, regardless of how many times you ask them to clean up, pay rent, or simply respect you and the environment. Playing conspiracy videos at full volume deep into the night, telling you you’re doing everything wrong, and leaving a trail of themselves everywhere you look. An unwanted nuisance but a permanent signee on the lease.
For the most part, mine is sort of baked into my daily life and doesn’t interfere too drastically. I describe it as just sort of engrained into me at this point.
I mask it very well because I know if the average person heard every thought I had…I’d get some very interesting looks.
Fortunately my OCD doesn’t manifest through checking or graphic thoughts of loved ones dying at my expense (but I always fear one day I’ll wake up and it will adopt this).
It’s the kind where using my hands becomes a chore rather than second nature, where actions are screened into two categories: right and not right. Where my day is dictated by dictation beyond myself. A third party that successfully brainwashed me despite the meta-awareness of its existence and understanding that it isn’t completely rational if I had to pick it apart in therapy.
It’s weird, really.
And for the longest time I thought everyone operated this way. But alas! Not even close LOL.
Unfortunately I also have the type of OCD that tries to convince me I’m a liar and I don’t actually have it and I’m actually a bad person who doesn’t deserve happiness…
So it’s really a fun joy ride!
And sometimes— in this instance— social media will put a video onto my feed of something that just makes it tick, and from there it’s down, down, down.
I wrote this during a particularly bad OCD episode recently (to share with my therapist the thought process I get sucked into and must abide by for fear of not abiding).
So why not share it with you all, right!….Right?
Remember! We don’t judge here! Sometimes we just have to laugh.
Enjoy.
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.
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Time for bed!
First wash my hands.
Then pee.
Have to wash my hands before I pee so I don’t introduce bacteria to my nethers and get an infection.
Of course wash hands after peeing because that’s germs. Wash extra good.
Take my nighttime routine items out. Wash hands again. There’s germs on the outside of the bottles and I can’t put those germs in my mouth when I floss or I could get sick.
Water floss (wash hands), dental floss (wash hands), (did I do this in the correct order? If I don't my teeth will fall out, I have to do it in the correct order, I like my teeth I can't have them falling out), mouthwash, brush teeth.
6 minutes of brushing teeth— have to make sure I get every single spot in my mouth so it’s nice and clean. Missing a spot would negate the entire point of brushing.
People tell me I brush too long. Impossible. It can’t be wrong. My brain says it’s perfectly correct.
Wash hands before getting in the shower. I’ll be touching my face, after all.
And I have to have clean hands to put my clean towel on the shower wall to grab after I’m done + to place my clean rag to wash my body. That would be disgusting to get germs on my rag that I’ll be washing my body with. My body can’t be clean if I touch my rag with dirty hands before showering.
After placing my towels, grab my duck slippers from right next to my bed and place them just off the side of the stone mat outside of my shower.
The stone mat that stays clean because it’s not a fuzzy mat that would harbor mold and trap bacteria and infect my clean, showered feet.
Oh and! Don’t forget! On my way back to the bathroom with my duck slippers, use my knuckle to turn on my air purifier so I don’t have to touch it after the shower.
Can’t touch unnecessary items after my shower.
Shower water on (with clean hands so I’m not getting germs on the shower handle and infecting myself post-shower when I turn it off). Nice and hot. Perfect to get the germs off.
Wash hands inside shower before getting started. Have to have clean hands to touch my face and my wash rag.
Wash my face, let the cleanser sit while I wash my body. It has to sit to get in the skin and do its job. It doesn’t work otherwise.
Left arm, right arm, stomach, chest, armpits, back (upper, then lower), left thigh, left leg, right thigh, right leg, more soap, make sure rag spot is clean, coochie, butt cheeks, butt.
Fold rag. Very important to fold rag. Can’t have butt germs spreading to non-butt. No more adding soap because it’s bar soap and then I’d have butt germs and dirty body germs on my bar soap.
Left foot, right foot.
Squeeze out rag, hang on designated dirty-rag-drying-spot.
Rinse everything off.
Shut off water (with back of hand). Drip dry for a second.
Grab towel.
Pat dry face. Very important to do face first because if I dry my body first then it’s less clean for my face and I don’t know what will happen but it won’t be good.
Step onto stone mat.
Don’t dry feet with towel. That infects the towel. It doesn’t matter that they were just washed. They touched the stone mat and I don’t want the stone mat germs on my clean towel and therefore clean body.
If I must, only tops of feet can be dried with towel because the tops of my feet didn’t touch the stone mat.
Put my feet in the slippers. They are safe. Preserved. Deemed ready for bed.
Don’t touch anything.
Spray my face with toner.
Hang my towel on the hook. Anywhere else is wrong and unclean.
Use my arm to open the door.
Don’t touch anything.
Walk over to the air purifier and let the air dry the toner.
Don’t touch anything.
Walk back into the bathroom.
DON’T. TOUCH. ANYTHING.
Open my moisturizer— DON’T TOUCH THE TOP OF THE LID. The top of the lid goes face down on the counter and there’s germs on the counter and therefore germs on the top of the lid. If I touch the top of the lid and then stick my finger into the container, germs are introduced into the container and the whole thing is ruined.
Apply moisturizer.
Close my moisturizer (don’t touch the top of the lid).
Open sink cabinet (lightly with an unimportant finger), one pump hand cream on the back of left hand. My hands are cracked and bleeding. Weird, not sure why. Must be dry outside.
Don’t rub in until after I grab a q-tip from next to the cream. Don’t touch either end or it will be contaminated and I’ll need a new one. Close cabinet WITH SLIPPER. One less thing to touch.
Open vaseline, put one end of q-tip in vaseline, apply to lips. Throw q-tip in trash.
Yeah I could use the other side to clean my ears, but what if I accidentally put the vaseline side in my ear and then I have vaseline in my ear? I mean I know which side is unused but what if I forget? Or swap it around the last second on accident?
Put vaseline away.
Rub in hand cream.
Grab phone and hold it lightly, not a full grip because it’s dirty and only touching a few fingers to it is forgivable. But not the whole hand. I’d have to wash my hands again and I just moisturized them! What a waste that would be!
Turn off bathroom light with knuckle or back of hand or arm.
Walk to bed.
Phone in UV light bed. Killing all the germs! My favorite part!
No clothes because clothes will contaminate my bed.
Very important: Sit on bed, then take feet out of slippers and put them directly into bed, so as to not contaminate them on the floor and bring floor germs into bed.
Bed = clean.
Floor = dirty.
Snuggle up.
Relax.
Relax.
Relax.
Goodnight!
Relax.
Relax.
Relax.
Relax.
***
Are these my thoughts every single night? No. Are they always there subconsciously? Yes. Do I think it’s kind of funny? Absolutely.
Well…we do what we can with what we have. I still like my brain. After all, you spend your whole life in your head, might as well make it a comfortable place.
Not sure how to close this one out so I’ll just say Goodnight!
You’re so loved.
Xoxo,
Alli
